This post will tackle one of the most annoying bad habits of small children (and some adults). Tattling can push most of us to the point of insanity at times. I will discuss the underlying reasons why children tattle and give you some strategies to help shut it down.
The Scenario
For those of us that work the front lines of childcare and parenting, this particular bad habit seems to be one of the most constant sources of frustration. The tone of voice that children use makes it that much worse because it is mixed with whining. "She touched me" or "He said (Fill in the blank)" seem to flow incessantly from the mouths of the young children we keep. If we try to play referee to all these complaints, we usually find ourselves not even knowing truth from fiction.
What causes children to tattle so?
Remember, young children are egocentric. They perceive the world only from their own point of view. To them, everything should go the way they want it to go, and when it does not, they complain about it. Children also have a very cut and dry sense of justice. They believe everything should be resolved immediately. Therefore, when something happens that they do not like, they tattle.
The Fallen Nature
However, some tattling goes much deeper than that. Here is where most early childhood experts do not dare to tread because it deals with humanity's sin nature. Remember most early childhood professionals do not adhere to the philosophy of a fallen nature. They believe humans are simply products of their environment and perfecting environments will perfect human beings. I am sorry to break it to them, but all human beings come into this world with a fallen nature. To deny the fallen nature puts all of their theories and philosophies on the wrong foundation. Children do not have to be taught to do wrong. It comes naturally to them. A great deal of tattling comes from a guilty conscience or just plain meanness. When children begin to tattle on other children for the very things they do themselves, they are either trying to deflect attention from their own wrongdoing or they simply want to see someone else get in trouble. Some days children just get in moods where they want to get everyone in trouble for no real apparent reason other than spite. These darker reasons for tattling rarely find their way into the typical discussions on this subject. I do not know about you, but when I have an issue in my childcare, I want information that digs down into the nitty gritty of the matter. I truly believe that many childcare providers come away from behavioral trainings feeling beat up for not having perfect environments that will head off all behavioral problems. In the real world, the perfect environment does not exist. We deal with children with fallen natures, and maybe one of these days someone will be brave enough to actually do behavioral trainings from that point of view. However, for now the liberal majority holds sway and will not even let such topics even be discussed at trainings.
How can we as childcare providers and parents deal with all this tattling?
Number one, do not give it credence. It is very easy for adults to get sucked into the role of referee when the tattling starts. However, if we train ourselves to never give credence to anything done in a whiny tone of voice, we will shut down a great deal of tattling. Most children cannot tattle without whining. Repeat after me, "My ears do not hear things in a whiny voice." Some people will use the phrase with older children "I don't speak whinese." Either way, you will eventually teach the children that whining gets shut down on the spot. However, do not think that this will completely eliminate the tattling. Some children will adapt.
Tattling vs. Reporting
On top of training yourself not to listen to whiny tattling, you will need to instruct the children on the difference between tattling and reporting. I have made this one of the lessons in my rules instruction that I do on a regular basis. I teach them that tattling is trying to get someone in trouble and reporting is when something dangerous or very important is happening. You will very much have to clarify the meaning of very important because to small children everything falls into that category. Often, when the kids come to me tattling, I will start down my list of what constitutes reporting. I will ask them "Is someone bleeding or hurt? Are they doing something dangerous? Is it a real emergency?" When they have to answer "no" to all of those questions, I will then ask them what they are doing. At that point, they have to admit to tattling. Then I send them on their way. Sometimes, a real situation will be happening with the children that does not necessarily fall into what constitutes reporting. Usually, in this situation the child is wanting you to fight his/her battles. Do not let yourself get sucked into being a referee. Instead, teach the child to stand up for himself/herself. I will often know by the tattling whether or not this is the case. If I child comes to me and says "tell _______ to stop doing _______," I will tell the child to go tell that child himself/herself. If the other child persists after the first child has stood up for himself/herself, I will intervene. We want the children to feel free to come to us for help, but we do not want them to become dependent on us to fight all of their battles. We should be the appeals court and not the first strategy.
Dealing with Hypocrisy
Before I leave this subject, I want to touch on another area that I have never seen discussed along with tattling, and that is teaching children not to be hypocrites. Very often, children tattle on other children for the very things they are presently doing or do on a regular basis. I never let this slide. If a child starts complaining about another child doing something they very often do, we have a discussion. I want the children to learn early to understand their own faults and not to judge others before they have judged themselves. Nobody likes hypocrites, and we do the children an enormous favor by starting this instruction in the preschool years.
I hope you have enjoyed this post. Goodbye and God bless!!
Check out Natalie's children's books at: https://www.amazon.com/author/nataliewade7457
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