The Concept of Self-Esteem
Self-Esteem can be defined as self-love or feeling good about oneself. No one will dispute that it is important for our emotional well-being to love ourselves. However, there are times when it is also important to not necessarily like the person we have become. Change especially positive change in a person's life requires coming to a place where you do not like life the way that it has become. You may not like the person you have become. You will still love yourself but will understand you cannot always feel good about yourself. This is the point where relativism has skewed healthy self-esteem into the unhealthy version we have shoved down our throats on a consistent basis. Because relativism does not recognize right and wrong, there should never be a point where we should not feel good about ourselves. Relativism preaches self-esteem without basis in reality. When we lie, cheat, steal, etc., we still feel good about ourselves because right and wrong are all relative. What we do is right in our own eyes. Therefore we never have reason to feel remorse and shame. In the early childhood world this manifests itself in the mantra "you should never shame a child." Shaming a child makes them feel bad about themselves and a child should always feel good about themselves. Really? Should a child ALWAYS feel good about themselves? Or should a child always love themselves? There is a difference. The first leads to narcissism. The second leads to self acceptance.
Self-Esteem and the Rise of Narcissism
It does not take much hunting in the national news feed to find at least one article on narcissism nowadays. It seems millenials have brought this particular personality quirk to the forefront but why? What is narcissism? Narcissism can be defined as an egotistical self-love; having an inflated view of one's own appearance and/or accomplishments. It comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection. Does it surprise anyone that millenials who grew up when the push for self-esteem in children was beginning to really hit its stride now have a problem with narcissism? These children were taught to always feel good about themselves. Shaming children ceased to be an accepted way of dealing with bad behavior. They hardly ever had to truly answer for their mistakes. Instead everyone else always received the blame. They grew up in a "victim" culture. Now we have a generation of entitled, completely self-absorbed young adults that have no sense of responsibility, but they sure do feel good about themselves. What went wrong? We did not tie self-esteem to reality. Children should feel good about themselves when they accomplish something. Being a productive member of society should have been stressed over just feeling good about simply being. At this point, I am sure some of you are screaming that children should love themselves no matter what, and you would be correct. However, there is a huge difference between loving yourself and feeling good about yourself. This leads me to self-acceptance.
Self-Esteem vs. Self-Acceptance
Whereas self-esteem is feeling good about yourself, self-acceptance is having a healthy view of both your strong and weak points. Self-acceptance means you love yourself but understand where you need improvement. We all have weak areas. We all have sins that easily beset us. When we understand these areas and accept them, we put ourselves in a position to change them. You will never change what you do not accept as needing change. That is the main problem with an overemphasis on self-esteem. When everything is relative and we are doing what is right in our own eyes, we will never see how we hurt each other. We will never understand why we never accomplish any goals. We will never see our own weaknesses. Narcissists do not see beyond their own point of view. They feel like you need to improve, but they are fine. However, when we have a realistic view of who we are as people, we understand our faults and flaws. We also tend to be more forgiving of other people's faults and flaws. This helps us to have better relationships. Narcissists cannot have healthy relationships. It has been proven.
Conclusion
How does all of this relate to the early childhood world? Are you teaching children to have a realistic view of themselves or are you teaching them to always feel good about themselves? If you never point out a child's faults, that child will never understand he/she has a fault. Remember, the "no shame" mantra comes from the relativism camp. There is a difference between shaming a child to repentance and shaming a child in a manner that belittles. The first type tells the child they are better than their behavior. The second type tells a child they are worthless. We must bring back the shame that leads to repentance if we want to teach children to have self-acceptance. Children will continue to grow up to be narcissists until we decide maybe teaching children right and wrong might be a good idea.
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