This post will delve into the problem of jealousy with young children. Believe it or not, there was a time when children had to learn to be okay with other children receiving something when they did not. Guess what? They dealt with it. Why is it that we think today's children are completely incapable of handling this situation? Children as young as three and four can actually handle and conquer the jealous bug.
We Created this Monster
When I was little, children did not receive gift bags at birthday parties, and I definitely did not get a present on my siblings' birthdays. Did these instances warp me for all eternity? No. I survived. Yet, in today's society children will go absolutely ballistic when they do not receive something at every party. This particular problem is definitely of our own creation. We as a society have trained children to expect something. We are getting what we deserve on this one.
The Myth of the Magic Childhood
Why in the world did we start all this? This one can most definitely be pinned on the philosophy that all children's childhoods should be filled with magic and wonder. Nothing should ever be negative or hard. Children should be able to drift from one happy episode to another. While in theory this sounds like utopia, we experience every time a child of today's society must deal with something unpleasant the horrible side effect of this philosophy - completely demanding children that grow up into adults that cannot handle the basic struggles common to all humans on this planet. I will also pin this one on Developmentally Appropriate Practice and all the repercussions that have set into our society since early childhood experts decided to throw out all conventional wisdom. Since the inception of developmentally appropriate practice, we have been told as parents and early childhood educators that it is inappropriate to expect children to handle jealousy. We should structure everything in such a way that we do not expect children to deal with this most basic of emotions. How in the world do we expect children to learn not to be dominated by jealousy when we never give them the opportunity to face it? Children will not magically learn to handle anything just because they get older. They must be given opportunities to learn to deal with all these negative emotions in childhood or they will just become very jealous adults.
Start with the Parents
How do we teach children to deal with jealousy? Fixing this one would take a societal correction that is completely beyond my control. However, as early childhood educators we can do our part to make sure the children in our care learn these life lessons. Number one, work on the parents. Talk to your parents about the need to teach their children to learn not to be jealous. Explain to them that just taking away all opportunities for jealousy to set in will not teach their children to deal with jealousy. That plan actually makes the situation worse. Children have to work through negative emotions in order to learn how to handle them. That is the only way it works. Encourage your parents not to always give something to everyone, and then use those experiences to talk about the importance of being happy for others. Will this involve wailing and gnashing of teeth at first? Absolutely. However, after this happens repeatedly the child's expectations will change. Children in previous generations had different expectations. Those children knew ahead time they would not be receiving anything, and therefore, did not throw hissy fits when someone else received a gift. They may have had to deal with jealous feelings, but they knew better than to act like a brat over it. Those children were given many, many opportunities to learn to deal with that situation without becoming jealous.
The Day Privilege
In our early childhood settings we can provide daily opportunities for children to learn to let others have things when they do not get to have them. I accomplish this through a special day privilege. Each day I write a different child's name on the board. That means it is that child's day, and it comes with privileges all day long. It is amazing how fast even toddlers adjust to a system like this. The children learn that today I do not get to sit in the big chair, but I will on my day. Some early childhood experts might say that making children wait days for a privilege is not developmentally appropriate. However, years ago, children had to wait months or longer for their turn for special privileges and gifts, and they survived. Actually, those children grew up to be more adjusted to adult life than we see in today's generation. The children in my childcare survive having to wait days for their day. It has solved a multitude of issues in my childcare. Do these children still have jealous episodes? Yes, but only when they encounter a situation where the expectation is that they are supposed to get something. We need to adjust an entire generation's expectations in a bad way. All these jealous episodes are of our own creation. We made the monster, and we need to slay it.
I hope you have enjoyed this post. Goodbye and God bless!!
Check out Natalie's children's books at: https://www.amazon.com/author/nataliewade7457
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