The Scenario
We have all seen the poor mom that cannot hold a conversation with an adult without her child(ren) doing everything in their power to maintain her attention. They will crawl all over her, and if that doesn't work, they will proceed to start to tear the place down. To them, negative attention is still attention. They come unglued when they are left alone and think potty time for mom is a community affair. These children completely dominate their mom's and/or dad's time and attention and will throw a hissy fit for the ages if their need for attention is not met.
Should It Always Be about the Children?
Before I get into the emotional reasons for this behavior, I want to discuss how parents create (or at least feed constantly) the monster. We live in a culture that caters to children heavily. Parents are constantly fed the line that "it's all about the children." However, more and more articles by prominent psychologists have surfaced talking about how we might be doing our children a disservice through this philosophy. We become so engrossed in making our children's lives "perfect" that we do not see how we make them codependent on us. I know this is not a pleasant fact, but parents, you are enabling the monster. Because of parental guilt and overindulgence of the children, the children in today's society get away with behavior that would never have been tolerated 50 years ago. Parents feel extreme guilt when they do not provide everything for their children or make them happy constantly. They do not understand that this actually stunts emotional growth. Children need to strive and struggle to become functional adults. We should not ever shield them from this process. Parents contribute to the immaturity end of the root cause of this behavior through overindulgence and helicopter parenting. The immaturity feeds the insecurities that make up the other part of the root cause. Granted, some children are naturally extremely clingy. However, the clinginess should not be fed. It is one of those behaviors we work on like laziness and pouting.
What's the Big Deal?
Some of you might say, what is the big deal? Does this type of behavior in young children prove to be detrimental in the long run? To answer that question, let me ask you a question. Have you seen 10-25 year olds that still so demand attention from either their parents or other people that it affects how they function in a group? Have you seen this increasing exponentially in the last decade? I have. We are not dealing with this behavior like previous generations of parents, and we are reaping a very ugly harvest. This behavior demands intervention just like these children demand attention.
Divorce
The emotional reasons that children become so demanding can vary from child to child. However, many of these children share some of the same common contributors. I hate to bring up the first one because most parents that go through this already feel massively guilty over it, but divorce is by far the number one reason for super clingy, demanding behavior. Children of divorce deal with an abandonment issue in most cases. The people that tell you it is possible to have a good divorce are lying to you. Divorce is ugly business especially for children. The more you understand that the easier it will be to see the detrimental side effects and do something about them. Children of divorce need encouragement, but that can become almost like an addiction to them. Many divorced parents tend to overdo the encouragement because of guilt, and have a hard time setting boundaries and sticking to them. When dealing with these children, give them attention but draw the line before it crosses over into complete dominance. It is extremely important for these children to learn self-management. You might say to them, "I've given you a hug. Now, you need to do what I asked you to do." You acknowledge their need without giving into their complete dominance of your time and attention. I have also seen the same emotional fallout from parents that co-habitate with people and change partners quite often. This lifestyle can reek havoc on children because they are abandoned over and over. However, giving into the demanding behavior of children just because their life has been rough does not do them any favors. These children need to learn to respect boundaries and self-regulation as much if not more than children that do not have to deal with these circumstances. We want functioning adults not codependent adults.
Fear
The other big contributing factor for demanding behavior is fear. Some children naturally deal with unsubstantiated fears. I was one of those children. It actually can be hereditary. My grandmother dealt with extreme irrational fears all of her life. Those fears dominated her and caused her to be a demanding person. These children need to be taught more than anything else how to regulate the fear. Some of these children might require counseling, but you as the childcare provider can do many things to teach a child to calm down. When a child experiences an episode of irrational fear, the best course of action for you is to calmly talk the child through the situation. Explain logically why the fear is not based in reality. For example, many children have extreme fear of thunder. When it thunders, I will say to the children, "Thunder cannot hurt you. It is just noise." It takes many, many, many repetitions of this type of intervention to truly calm a child, but in time this makes a huge difference for them. They will pick up on your calmness, and begin to talk themselves through other situations when they are afraid. If you are hysterical, you will feed the fear monster. Calmness goes a long way to ratchet down irrational fears.
Immaturity
Before I leave this subject, I want to touch on some areas where you as a provider can be proactive with these demanding children. As I said earlier, immaturity plays a huge role in these demanding episodes. Dealing with the immaturity through daily activities and routines can head off quite a bit of the demanding behavior before it gets out of control. Probably the most useful tool in your arsenal is teaching the child to play by himself/herself. This will be met with wailing and gnashing of teeth, but having times each day where the child has to entertain himself/herself teaches that child self-regulation. I do not know if you have ever put together that the most demanding children are also the ones who have the hardest time entertaining themselves. These children usually want to constantly be with people, but being okay with just themselves will serve them for the rest of their lives. You will have to start slowly with this and prepare yourself for the hissy fit of the century everyday for possible months. I had one child who did through a hissy fit for 3 months every time I made her play by herself. After the first three months, she sat there pouting for the next 3 months. At the six month mark, she started playing by herself. I wanted to dance. She was by far the most demanding child I had ever encountered, but it did finally work.
Structure
Another way to be proactive with demanding behavior is to have great structure in place. Demanding children need structure more than other children. They have issues with boundaries. Therefore, you need to give them plenty of practice dealing with boundaries. Be calm. Be consistent. When you have good structure in place, you will have systems in place already to deal with the occasional or constant demanding behavior episode. When a child knows what to expect, it will be much easier to gain compliance.
To sum up, demanding behavior demands a response. This type of behavior should never be redirected or ignored. It is another of those behaviors that requires direct intervention. Enforce your boundaries. Help the children be okay with themselves.
I hope you have enjoyed this post. Goodbye and God bless!!
Check out Natalie's children's books at: https://www.amazon.com/author/nataliewade7457
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