This post will start a 3-part series on issues of the mouth. I will start the discussion with sassiness. With the decline of respect for adults that we are seeing in recent decades, this has become more and more of an issue than in past generations. To be honest, if I had said half the things that children say to me and their parents these days, I would have been minus a head. It just was not tolerated, and there lies the point where we start this discussion.
Expectations
Believe it or not, your expectations play a major role in how children behave. Past generations did not tolerate sassiness. It was treated like a major offense. Now sassiness in toddlers and two year olds is thought to be cute. I have seen many a young mother or child care provider have arguments with a sassy toddler or two year old, and then immediately talk about how darling the child is. However, let that same child gain a year or two and the sassiness ceases to be cute, and those parents/caregivers desperately seek help for their out of control preschooler. In those moments, I just shake my head and tell them they created the monster, and now they are going to have to deal with it. They taught that child to think that sassiness is a positive way to gain attention, which was not a wise move at all. Slaying the monster may get ugly.
The Cost of Tolerating Sassiness
This has been one of the biggest contentions I have had with young employees. I have actually been told that arguing with the toddlers and twos was their favorite part of the job. I would try to explain to them that they are setting a precedent that will come back to bite them in the near future, but I have had little success with getting my point across until their precious darlings turn into the mouthy monsters I knew they would. Then they come to me begging me to fix it. It is then that I have to explain to them that undoing what they have done will not be easy. It will require that they change their expectations and be consistent about it. Most of the time, these young employees then start complaining about how the job is not fun anymore. They feel like they have to be the bad guy all the time and cannot stand that they have to stay on top of it all the time. However, almost in the same breath, they will talk about how they have lost complete control of the children. Tolerating sassiness has a huge cost.
A Figment of My Imagination?
This is a subject that is completely skirted in early childhood classes. When I was taking early childhood classes while getting my degree, it seemed to me that the early childhood experts believed that sassiness was a figment of my imagination. They told us that if we treated the children with respect and gave them choices, sassiness would just melt away. What planet do these people live on? How this has played out in the real world looks much different. Childcare providers end up having to put up with being called everything under the sun with a smile on their face while they try to get the sweet little fire-breathing toddler or two year old to choose between the two positive choices we have given them. Sassiness does not melt away, and we end up with 3, 4, and 5 year olds having screaming, sometimes cussing hissy fits because they cannot have what they want. We need a very different strategy if we want a different result.
Sassiness = Negative Consequences
What I am about to propose will make some early childhood experts cringe, maybe even cuss and throw things, but I am afraid we need to take some lessons from past generations. Number one, treat sassiness the same as you would treat violent behavior. If a child is punching another child in the face, we will deal with that strongly and swiftly. We need to do the same for sassiness. When a child, even a toddler sasses, they need to understand strongly and swiftly that sassiness is completely inappropriate. I give them my stern look and tell them that they will not speak to me like that. If they persist, I will place them in an area where they can cool down. However you handle it, the key is to not let the behavior gain the child anything positive at all. Let sassiness reap negative consequences if you want sassiness to melt away. This has to start as soon as the sassing starts or the situation will escalate to the point that dealing with it will be most difficult.
The Enabled/Enabler Situation
What do you do if you have allowed sassing and now you have a mouthy monster? Number one, you are going to have to steel yourself for the fight of the century. If the child has been allowed to be sassy up to this point, that child will think it is his/her right and privilege to continue to be sassy for the rest of his/her life. It will not be fun. You will have to handle it strongly and swiftly for probably months, which will make you feel like the bad guy. However, keep in mind that you created the monster and backing down is not an option unless you want to be completely dominated and bullied by the child for the rest of your life. In psychology circles this is called the enabled/enabler situation. You have enabled the child to be sassy and when you stop enabling the child, the enabled will go ballistic. This holds true whether the person is two years old or ninety years old. One of the hardest situations a person will face in life is ceasing to be an enabler. However, do it when they are two rather than when they are older because the longer the enabling continues the harder it is to break the cycle. Enabling is one of the most unhealthy emotional situations in which a person can find themselves. Do not think that tolerating sassiness will not harm anyone. It harms the enabled, the enabler, and any innocents that happen to get caught in the crossfire.
A Change of Attitude
As a society we must change our attitude about sassiness. It is not a phase they will outgrow on their own. It is not a developmentally appropriate behavior that makes for well-adjusted adults. It is like a gateway drug. Sassiness leads to other and more negative behaviors. All the other mouth issues I will discuss have their beginnings in tolerated sassiness. Previous generations understood this, but we are smarter than previous generations or so we think. I guess that makes us a teenage society. We think we know it all when we really do not know much at all.
I hope you have enjoyed this post. Goodbye and God bless!!
Check out Natalie's children's books at: https://www.amazon.com/author/nataliewade7457
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