This post will deal with probably the most annoying childish habit of them all - whining. We have all seen the scenario. A child is doing everything in his/her power to plead for something he/she wants to the point that the adult in the situation is about to lose his/her mind. Whining has to be one of the most powerful manipulative tools in most children's arsenals.
The Different Forms of Whining
Whining can take different forms with different children. Some children are naggers. These children ask the same question over and over and over until they wear the adult in the situation down and get what they want. Other children use the puppy dog eyes along with the "please" method to pull on the heart strings until they get what they want. Still other children go straight for the hissy fit in public to embarrass the adult in the situation until they get what they want. I hope you are seeing the theme behind all whining behavior. It is a manipulative ploy used by children to get what they want. I have seen desperate children utilize all three types of whining in the same situation when their first attempt did not work.
The Savvy of Children
In case you do not know this, the children in your life have your number and know exactly what will work on you in most every situation. They learn this information as young as two and three years old. This explains why the same child will be whiny with one parent and not the other, or whiny with the parents but not with the childcare provider. Children learn very quickly which adults are susceptible to whining and which are not. They also know when adults will be more susceptible to whining. It is no coincidence that children become whiny when the adults have reached the point of exhaustion. They know when your resistance is lower and when it is higher. Children have more savvy than most adults when it comes to power struggles.
Power Struggles Are Inevitable
At this point I want to address the very prevalent teaching that adults should avoid power struggles with children at all costs. These early childhood experts will tell you to give children choices in order to avoid these episodes of manipulation. As a early childhood professional that actually works in the trenches, I laugh at the notion that adults can avoid power struggles with children. Even when you follow their admonition to give choices, you will still deal with a power struggle unless what the child wants is one of the choices. If the choices do not involve what the child wants, the child will begin to employ every manipulative tool in his/her arsenal. Power struggles with children actually should be a natural part of the growing up process. They must learn that manipulating people only brings heartache and trouble, or they will grow up to be manipulative adults that have issues with many areas of adult life especially relationships. Like all the other negative behaviors I have covered in this series, manipulative behavior should be handled in a straightforward manner during the childhood years in order for children to grow up to be functioning adults. It should not be redirected or ignored. We have too many nonfunctioning young adults in our society now. We do not need to add to that number.
NEVER Let It Work
How do you shut down the whining? Remember, when dealing with manipulative ploys, the most important aspect remains that the ploy does not EVER work. If a manipulative ploy ever works for a child, then it takes a long time to convince that child that the ploy will never work again. As the adult, you must harden yourself to enduring multiple attempts at a variety of manipulative ploys in order to shut the process down. You must become the adult in that child's life that is immune to all forms of manipulation. I know this is easier said than done. We never know the lengths to which a child will go to manipulate until we start trying to shut the process down. I know a mother that finally wised up to her son's tactics and started to thwart his efforts for control. She was amazed at how much his behavior escalated at first, and had a hard time believing he was capable of that much manipulation. We just kept reminding her that he was yanking her chain, and he finally chilled out. It took a long time for him to chill out. Winning this war requires consistency, consistency, and more consistency. If consistency is not one of your strong points, start working on it now. If you cannot be consistent, the whiners will win every time.
Public Hissy Fits
Before I leave this subject, I want to discuss the public hissy fits. This one is by far the most well-used ploy by children in today's society. Nothing makes a parent or caregiver cringe like a public power struggle. I have been there. Your child wants something that you do not intend to get, and the child proceeds to come unglued in public. As the adult, you feel like the world is staring at you wanting you to shut your child up. When the child continues despite your best efforts to calm him/her, either you feel like a failure or you want to truly deal with the situation and are afraid someone will call the department of children services on you. Either way you feel like your hands are tied and start rationalizing why it would not be so bad to just let the child have it. STOP!!!!! Unless you want this behavior to be repeated again and again and again, you must never let the behavior work. I have had to leave stores and go home to deal with my child, but I never rewarded that behavior. I have also been the caregiver with the state people breathing down my neck just waiting to write me up for inappropriate discipline procedures. However, I knew that rewarding that behavior would be something that would cost me for months. I have put them in time-out right in front of state people and just let them start writing. I had to live with the child after that day, and they did not. It was the price I paid for doing the actual right thing. I know that our present society makes dealing with manipulative behavior much harder than it has ever been. My parents did not have to worry about being politically correct. I also never threw hissy fits in public, either. I can only pray that someday common sense and conventional wisdom will be allowed back into our society. Until then, you may pay a price for doing what actually needs to be done, but you will have reward in Heaven and the knowledge that you have done everything you could to turn the tide in our society.
I hope you have enjoyed this post. Goodbye and God bless!!
Check out Natalie's children's books at: https://www.amazon.com/author/nataliewade7457
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