This post will deal with the second largest hindrance to developing true character in children - the overemphasis of self-esteem in our culture. The idea of self-esteem I will be discussing is the blind love of self without regard for faults.
Too Much Self-Esteem?
It is no secret that teenagers in the United States rank highest among developed countries in self-esteem but lowest in math and science. We have children who feel really good about themselves without any regard for character or productivity. We as a nation should have a real problem with that. However, if anyone tries to move self-esteem down the list of priorities in our nation, he/she is in for the war of a lifetime. It is so entrenched in our national psyche that self-esteem is one of the most important attributes to be developed in children, it is hard to have a serious intellectual conversation about the contrary. Nothing, and I mean nothing, should ever be done to children that will make them feel shame or anything but warm fuzzies according to our psychologists. If we as a nation do not correct this egregious error, we will soon go the way of the Roman Empire.
Feel-Good Junkies
Isn't self-esteem important to keep children from suffering from depression? Actually no. Since we have put so much emphasis on self-esteem, we have not improved the rate of depression among children. Actually, I believe we have made it worse. We have made it worse by creating "feel-good junkies." When our children do not "feel good about themselves," they fall into depression. What we now have in this country is self-esteem with no moral character base to it. There is a huge difference between feeling good about yourself and loving yourself. We have made self-esteem be about feeling good about yourself instead of unconditionally loving yourself. One is based on feelings. The other is based on knowledge. Actually, a better term for unconditionally loving yourself is self-acceptance.
What's the Difference between Self-Esteem and Self-Acceptance?
As I stated earlier, self-esteem, as we as a society have defined it, is based on feelings. We are training our children to "feel good about themselves" when they are mean as snakes, lazy, and completely unproductive. On the other hand, we have self-acceptance. This is knowledge-based. It is understanding yourself with all your good points and bad points. It has nothing to do with feelings. The real difference, however, plays out in the real world. A person who has self-esteem doesn't have to do anything to earn the "feel good." Whereas, the person with self-acceptance understands their short-comings and works on them in order to earn the "feel good." The first type of "feel good' is empty because it has no basis in reality. The second type of "feel good" is real because it was earned. The first type of "feel good" is fleeting and will end up in an endless cycle of searching for the empty "feel good" and sinking into depression. The second type of "feel good" can actually help lift a person out of feelings of depression. Let me put it this way, when a person feels good about themselves in a blind way, they see no need to change. When a person looks at himself/herself in a realistic manner, they see the areas that need work. A person who sees no need for change will never change, and a person that does not change over time does not grow emotionally or socially.
We as a society start this process in early childhood. We don't correct the children because it will damage their self-esteem. We don't force them to do anything, because it will damage their self-esteem. We try to create for them this magical world where they can always feel good about themselves regardless of their input in that process. We are creating "feel good junkies" from the very beginning. What should we be doing instead? We should be teaching them to look at themselves realistically. Everyone on this planet has areas in which they master quickly and areas in which they struggle. A child should be taught this reality from the very beginning. It is only when a child has to work on mastering something that is difficult that he/she gets his/her first taste of a real "feel good about themselves." We want our children to chase after the real thing and not the fluffy substitute.
Two Types of Shame
At this point I want to have a discussion about the concept of shame. Shame in our society has been demonized as being one of the most evil attributes an adult can place on a child. However, there are two different types of shame, but we as society have lumped both types together as evil. One is evil, and it is shame that leads to defeat. This is shame that demoralizes another human being by putting them down. For example, telling a child he/she is worthless and won't ever amount to anything falls into this category. The other type of shame is shame that leads to repentance. This type of shame must be present for a person to truly have self-acceptance. This type of shame says "I expect more out of you. You know better than to act that way." The child who is shamed in this manner realizes that they have done wrong and needs to change. The adult in this situation conveys the message that the child has worth beyond his/her actions. The actions must change for the child to reach his/her full potential. We must as a society resurrect this type of shame. We must convey to our children that they are capable of being better and doing more. We must raise our expectations. We basically get what we expect, which isn't much. The fluffy, fake idea of self-esteem needs to be eradicated from our national psyche. Our children deserve to know how to find the true way of feeling good about themselves. This comes from a realistic knowledge of who they are as people, both good and bad, and understanding that life is a process of change that never stops.
I hope you have enjoyed this post. Goodbye and God bless!! Check out Natalie's children's books at: https://www.amazon.com/author/nataliewade7457
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