This post will deal with increasing children's emotional intelligence and teaching them to deal with negative circumstances without coming completely unglued. More specifically we will discuss those children that take everything personally to the point they cannot function in a group setting.
The Hyper-Sensitive
We all know this scenario all too well. A statement is made by either a child or an adult, and a hyper-sensitive child takes offense. Or everyone laughs at something that happens and the hyper-sensitive child falls to pieces because he/she feels that everyone is laughing at him/her. Actually I know adults with the same problem and you probably do, too. We all know those people that require you to walk on eggshells around them because they have no capacity for dealing with negative or embarrassing situations.
Unlike a lot of other character issues I have covered, this one is actually mostly genetic. It can be greatly aggravated by environmental factors, but these people come into the world hardwired with this hyper-sensitivity. This explains why this trait runs in families. This also explains why this one can be so hard to correct because it involves an underlying characteristic of a person's personality. I do not know if some chemical imbalance or other related cause occurs in their brains, but I do know that they have a difficult time with all aspects of what we now call emotional intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence
What do I mean by emotional intelligence? Academic intelligence is not the only type of intelligence we humans possess. We all know people that are not necessarily book smart but are people smart. They understand the inward workings of relationships much better than others. We would call these people emotionally intelligent. They understand how to handle complicated situations that call for handling emotions. Let me give you an example. Some of us find it difficult to deliver bad news to other people. Yet, we all know those people that can give bad news in such a way that the person still feels good about the situation. I do not have this capacity and sit in awe of such people. Just like some people come into this world better equipped for academic endeavors, other people come into this world better equipped for emotional situations. The opposite is also true. However, we all know we can increase our academic intelligence with hard work and persistence. The same is true of emotional intelligence.
Hyper-sensitive children come into this world with very little natural coping skills for certain situations, and those situations can vary from person to person. Some cannot handle embarrassment. Some cannot handle any type of criticism. Some cannot handle people not liking them. Some have all or a combination of the above. Adults with these issues may require counseling and/or life coaching to improve, but we that take care of children are in the unique position to really help these children learn to manage what does not come naturally.
No Coddling
Before we get to strategies, I want to cover what not to do. First and foremost, do not coddle these children. Sheltering them from these types of situations will only leave them emotionally immature. This is why we have adults with these types of problems. No one helped these children work through their issues. People usually do not outgrow these types of issues. They have to learn sometime in their life to work through them. Let me put it this way. If you shelter and overprotect, you are being an enabler in a situation that desperately cries for change. On the other hand, these children do not have the capacity to suck up and deal with it. They honestly do not know how. Tough love without instruction is just as useless as coddling and overprotecting in this situation.
The Power of Logic
How do you deal with this situation? Mostly logically actually. A great deal of the thought processes that these children have in these situations are irrational. To deal with irrational thoughts, you teach logical thought processes. Let me give you an example. You have a child that gets upset every time people laugh because the child thinks they are laughing at him/her. When people begin to laugh and the child begins to get upset, ask the child what are they laughing at. At first the child will reply "me." However, if you continue to make the child look harder, he/she will realize the true source of the laughter, which is usually not the child at all. How many times will this be necessary before the child does this on his/her own? Thousands possibly. I did not say this would be easy or fun. Over time the child will begin to correct the irrational thought processes that contribute to the hyper-sensitivity. Let me give you another example. For this one, you have a child that crumbles at the least little criticism. Avoiding criticism throughout your entire life is not practical. Therefore, you must teach this child how to handle criticism. This must start with the child understanding everyone makes mistakes. When the child makes a mistake, this should be the first statement out of your mouth. The second statement should involve teaching the child to learn from mistakes rather than being crushed because they made mistakes. This will take the same amount of persistence as teaching a child not to be embarrassed. This is how you build emotional intelligence.
When dealing with children that seem to have very little emotional intelligence, be very observant to find the underlying irrational thought process. If you pinpoint the irrational thought process, it is much easier to understand how to help the child overcome that thought process. Sometimes we as adults have our own irrational thought processes. Guess what? Teaching ourselves to think logically about situations will help us just as much as it will help the children.
I hope you have enjoyed this post. Goodbye and God bless!!
Check out Natalie's children's books at: https://www.amazon.com/author/nataliewade7457
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