This post will tackle one of the most hotly debated topics between early childcare experts and parents especially when dealing with toddlers. I will look at whether stubbornness in children can actually be a good thing, or is good stubbornness actually something entirely different?
The Definition
Webster defines stubbornness as (1) done or continued in a willful, unreasonable, or persistent manner or (2) not easily controlled or remedied. Many modern early childhood experts exclude all the preceding definition for stubborn except the persistent part. They basically equate stubbornness with persistence and tell parents that the stubbornness in their children is really a good thing. Being stubborn will make them strong people that can stand up for themselves. However, I think these experts are badly mistaken by equating stubbornness with tenacity. Webster defines tenacious as (1) not easily pulled apart or (2) holding fast. Tenacity involves the ability to hold fast to what you believe is right in the face of unbelievable odds. Stubbornness, on the other hand, is holding to what you want to do whether it is right or wrong without regard for wisdom and sound judgment. There is a world of difference between these two concepts. Being stubborn will not make a person tenacious. It is a different character trait.
A Time of Reflection
Before I proceed, I want everyone reading this to take a moment and reflect on how many times in your life stubbornness caused you grief beyond measure. How many times did it put you in a position where you ended up spending more money or wasting a whole lot of time? How many times did stubbornness reek havoc on your relationships? Now, turn that around and think about all the times in your life where stubbornness was a good thing in your life. Were those times stubbornness or were they tenaciousness? Were you standing against the crowd for what you believed to be right? That was tenaciousness. Can anyone honestly say that holding onto what you want to do without regard for wisdom and sound judgment has ever brought anyone anything but grief? Now, can anyone say that stubbornness is a character trait we want to instill in our children? I hope not.
Is Stubbornness a Good Thing?
I cannot tell you the number of articles I have read in recent years that actually tell parents not to worry about those stubborn tendencies in their children. They promote stubbornness as a sign of being a strong person, and therefore, not something a parent should be concerned about curbing. However, these same parents are completely confounded when those stubborn little toddlers turn into completely irrational stubborn teenagers that endanger their own lives and the lives of others with their actions. Guess what? If you deal with the stubbornness in toddlerhood, you will produce teenagers that at least have a little sense. The stubbornness does kick back in during the adolescent years, but if it is allowed to go unchecked until that point in a child's life, you will have uncontrollable teenagers. All one has to do is look around at our society to know that I speak the truth. Teenagers believe they can do whatever they want to do without any consequences. They were allowed to be raised in their stubbornness and all they will bring to their parents and society is grief beyond measure.
How Do We Deal with Stubbornness?
Now, if what I say is true, then we have a serious problem with our parental and childhood behavior management philosophies. The current best practice for dealing with stubborn toddlers is to redirect them or give them two positive choices. Does this deal with the underlying problem or simply put it off for a later date? I will tell you what it produces. It produces three, four, five, six, seven, eight, etc. year olds that can throw a hissy fit to rival any toddler. The magnitude and severity of the hissy fits has escalated to the point that parents feel like their children rule the roost and not for the better. Many parents continue the redirection or simply completely give in to avoid the horrible hissy fits that ensue when they try to get their children to do something they do not want to do. I say our behavior management techniques for toddlers are completely misguided and detrimental to society in the long-term. Toddlerhood is the time when a parent/caregiver should deal with the stubborn monster head on. That produces three, four, five, six, seven, eight, etc, year olds that can actually be reasoned with and deal with having to do something that must be done that they do not necessarily like.
Stubbornness Is Inappropriate
So, if redirection and two positive choices do not constitute a wise way to deal with toddlers, then what is? First of all, you must treat stubbornness as a completely inappropriate behavior. Most of the standard behavioral "wisdom" of the day states that stubbornness is developmentally appropriate for toddlers and therefore not to be dealt with as a behavioral issue. Hogwash!!! When we begin to view stubbornness in the same light as we do aggressiveness, we might begin to turn the tide against some of the horrible aggressive issues that childcare professionals on the front lines see every day. The Bible equates stubbornness with idolatry. Maybe just maybe stubbornness needs to be treated as something not appropriate in our society. Secondly, we need to walk the toddlers through their issues rather than around them. Will this involve tears, wailing, and gnashing of teeth? Absolutely. Will it be time-consuming and inconvenient? More than likely. However, in the LONG-TERM best interest of the child, this will be absolutely necessary.
The Difference between Stubbornness and Tenacity
Before I leave this subject I want to briefly touch on the difference between stubbornness and tenacity in toddlers. When a toddler is trying to do something themselves, that is tenacity. This can be terribly inconvenient at times, but should not be treated the same way as a toddler that is refusing to pick-up or put on their coat when it is cold outside. Tenacity flows from a desire to do what is right. It actually comes from a place of obedience. The child desires to do the right thing even if it might be the wrong time. Stubbornness, on the other hand, flows from willful disobedience. It comes from a child wanting his/her own way regardless. The two character traits are not the same. Do not treat tenacity as stubbornness unless the child has crossed over into irrational behavior. Toddlers are inconvenient quite a bit of the time. It comes with the territory.
I hope you have enjoyed this post. Goodbye and God bless!!
Check out Natalie's children's books at: https://www.amazon.com/author/nataliewade7457
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