Immature Children

Recently I have seen a major uptick in the level of immaturity in the children who first arrive on my doorstep.  This post will deal with what I see as underlying causes of this immaturity and what we as childcare providers can do to rectify it.

An Uptick in Immaturity
For those of you who have been in this business for a long time, it comes as no surprise that we are dealing with higher and higher levels of immaturity in the children who come to us with each passing year.  I have only been in the childcare business for 8 years now, but even I have seen a massive uptick in immaturity.  What is causing this?  Before I go any further, let me differentiate between developmental delays and immaturity.  A developmental delay is when a child consistently drags behind their peers over a period of time.  Immaturity, on the other hand, is when a child initially drags behind their peers, but quickly pulls up with instruction.  I have also seen an uptick of true developmental delays, but that is a subject for a later post.

Immature Parents
It is my opinion that the underlying causes of this uptick come from three very different sources.  The first source is immature parents.  Most of these parents are the peers of my own biological children, which means they are 25 years old or younger.  However, I have seen older parents who were just as bad and younger parents who were great parents.  What these parents have in common is that they never grew out of an egocentric viewpoint.  In layman terms that means they still think the world revolves around them.  They are still developmentally teenagers.  This is society's fault.  We raised these kids to think that the world did revolve around them, and then expected them to magically transition when they hit adulthood and became parents.  It didn't happen.  These parents can barely take care of themselves much less another human being.  We never expected much of them or taught them how to delay gratification.  Of course, the second generation raised with this viewpoint are going to be even more immature.  We are seeing the uptick now because the first generation is reaching adulthood and becoming parents.

The Helicopter Parent
The second underlying cause comes from a completely different parenting style - the helicopter parent.  These parents tend to be older and waited until later in life to start a family.  These parents do everything for their children.  They are basically making the mistake of the parents who are my peers.  They are not letting their children learn from natural consequences or really expecting much out of them.  They feel childhood should be pure enjoyment, and children should not be burdened with anything.  Again, society in raising another first generation of children who think the world revolves around them.  These children will not magically become responsible adults without intervention.

The Idealistic Childhood
This brings me to the third underlying cause and the true underlying cause for both of the others.  It is the philosophy of parenting that idealizes childhood.  This philosophy really started to take root in the late 1980s.  Childhood is supposed to be a time of magic and perfectness.  Parents should do everything  they can to ensure their children have everything they never had as children - every experience and every material thing.  This philosophy sounds perfectly harmless and even something that should be aspired to by all parents.  However, the devil is always in the details.  We are really beginning to see the long term effects of this parenting philosophy as a society, and it is ugly.  We have had to develop a whole new phase of development for twenty-somethings because adolescence has been extended an entire decade.  We wonder why our young adults have some of the attitudes they have and many of them can't seem to hold down a job.  We wonder at some of the over-the-top selfish behaviors we are now seeing in teenagers.  It stems from having an over-idealistic view of what childhood should be.

The Other Side of the Coin
Now don't get me wrong, I do think children should play and have fun.  However, there is another side to this coin.  Childhood is also a time to learn selflessness, self-control, persistence, steadfastness, patience, kindness, gentleness, etc.  This has to be taught in a deliberate way.  Children do not magically develop these traits from their wonderful over-scheduled, self-indulgent lifestyle.  Children who develop these traits have parents who systematically and purposefully instill these qualities into their children.  These children have parents who are parents and not peers.

Where to Begin?
As childcare providers we face the daunting task of not only training the immature children but also teaching the parents how to be parents.  Where do we even begin?  Most of the time you have to start with the children because the parents won't take you seriously until they see major results in their children.  Once the parents see that you know what you are talking about, they are much more likely to listen when you offer parent training or tips.

Structure and Boundaries
With the children the first step is structure and boundaries.  I have talked in earlier posts about how children have rhythms.  It is calming for them to know what to expect.  Therefore, having a basic structure that you follow everyday is a great place to start.  They need to know that snack follows center time and recess is right before lunch, etc.  The second part deals with boundaries.  We get little from children because we expect little from children.  It seems absurd to me that children for thousands of years learned the meaning of "no," "stop," and "don't," but here in the last 50 or so years the children are no longer capable of learning these concepts.  We redirect instead of teaching them "no" because we must avoid hissy fits at all costs.  Hissy fits cause stress, and our perfect idealistic childhood world should be free of stress.  Did you know that some stress is actually essential to the proper emotional development of a child?  A child must learn to self-soothe or that child will never be able to handle any negativity, and I'm afraid the world is chalked full of negativity.  One of the most important skills a child learns before kindergarten is to take "no" for an answer without throwing a fit.  If they don't, they get a crash course in this concept once they get there.  The motto for our local elementary school is "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit."  If we would teach them this skill before they get to kindergarten, then the schools could concentrate on academics instead of having to deal with the emotional immaturity.

Consistency and Persistence
The next very important step involves consistency and persistence.  We can't be wishy-washy with the children.  They get enough of that at home.  We must do what we say we will do and stay after all these  unpleasant tasks until we get the job done.  On the first part, you must be careful what you promise or threaten.  Before you let it come out of your mouth, you must determine if you can actually follow through on what you are saying.  If you can't, don't say it.  Children in today's society desperately need people who are true to their word.  Remember, you must model those traits you want children to emulate, and we want children to learn to be consistent.  The second half of this is making sure that the children follow through with their responsibilities every day.  In the olden days this was called chores.  In the early childhood world this is now called self-help skills.  Chores in the olden days had to be done everyday without fail.  Self-help skills are no different.  If you want to truly teach a child these skills, you cannot be wishy-washy about it.  This is hard work and probably the most thankless part of the job we do.  However, teaching a child to follow through is worth all the tears, screams, and hissy fits we must endure.  Remember we are going against the tide of society to accomplish this and trying to reset an entire generation on a different path than the previous one.  This will not be easy but well worth all the effort.

I hope you have enjoyed this post.  Goodbye and God bless!! Check out Natalie's children's books at:  https://www.amazon.com/author/nataliewade7457