The Importance of Parental Needs

This post will cover the last of the points made by the British nanny on why American parents have such a hard time.  Her point was that American parents put their children's needs ahead of their own.  We will look at this in several different ways.

Putting Your Child First - A Bad Thing?
It has become the American symbol for excellence in parenting - always putting your child first.  I have read article after article on parenting websites about the importance of putting your child's needs ahead of your own needs.  However, that British nanny called us out on this for very good reason.  By doing what seems to be the best practice in parenting, we are sending so many negative signals to our children inadvertently.  Even though we have the best of intentions, a lack of wisdom bites us in the butt.

The Airplane Lesson
At the beginning of every flight in the United States, flight attendants give the emergency procedures information.  In it, they recommend in the event of an emergency that parents put on their oxygen masks first, then they put on the children's masks.  I am sure to many parents that seems backwards, but a true gem of wisdom hides in this procedure.  In the event of an emergency it is more important for the parents to get oxygen first so that they can take care of their children.  If they pass out due to lack of oxygen, both the parents and the child(ren) might die.  Many, many times American parents fall into the trap of being so consumed with fulfilling their child's needs and wants that their own needs fall to the wayside.  This can destroy their health and mental well-being to the point that they are no longer able to care for their children.  I am afraid it is a dirty little secret that many abuse cases in the US could have been avoided if the parent's needs had become a priority.  You can only push your needs aside so long before you snap.  Once you snap, bad things happen.  Once your health goes south, someone else must step in to take care of your children.  You must take care of you so that you can take care of them.  It is that simple.

Teaching Children to Respect Themselves
This one comes from an article I read recently.  In it a mother explains why giving into her children's preferences even when it seemed innocent sent a very unintended message to her children.  Whether we like it or not, children learn by example rather than by what we say.  When a mom constantly bends over backwards to let her children have what they want when they want it, she sends them the message that her wants and needs are unimportant.  This actually makes children insecure.  They do not learn to stand up for themselves when faced with a demanding person.  The mother has set the example of constantly giving in to demanding people.  This actually makes them more susceptible to bullying and being bullied.

This also removes a strong parental figure from the child's life.  Children need boundaries.  Without proper boundaries they feel lost and floundering.  When a child has that strong standard to butt up against, it makes them feel secure in themselves.  It helps the world make sense to them.  They see the parent standing up for what is expected and what is right.  They may not like it in the heat of the moment, but in the long run this sets an example for them to emulate.  They see the parent expecting respect, and it teaches them how to demand respect for themselves.

The Myth of the Magical Childhood
Most American parents give the reasoning that they want their children's childhood to be magical to explain their practices.  It is the number one reason parents put their child's needs ahead of their own.  However, I am afraid we have been sold bad goods on this one.  We have been led to believe that when children never have to face stress and always get what they want when they want it, these children will be secure and happy.  Unfortunately, the opposite is actually true.  Children that never face stress never learn to take risks.  Risks in this life are necessary for success.  We are setting our children up for constant failure because they are incapable of handling the least bit of stress.  Also, when a child gets everything he/she wants when he/she wants it, we create entitled brats that do not value anything.  Open up your eyes and look around!  We have done major damage to the millenials and all who follow them.

Another point on the magical childhood issue stems from the micromanaging of childhood.  We, the parents, schedule everything for the children to give them everything we did not have, and in the process, we take from them what actually made our childhoods magical.  Children make childhood magical through their imaginations and innate curiosity.  We have killed our children's ability to be imaginative and curious through our micromanagement of their childhoods.  We do let them go outside.  We do not let them explore.  It is too dangerous, we cry.  Parents need to back off and let their children be children - dirt, grime, risks, and all.

Conclusion
Parents, your needs are important.  Take care of yourself so that you will be there to take care of your children.  Set boundaries and stick to them like glue.  Those boundaries are what make for secure, happy children.  All the stuff is just stuff.  Be parents and let your children be children.  Your children do not need peers.  They need parents.  Give them the freedom to find their own magical childhood.  Do not try to make it for them.

I hope you have enjoyed this post.  Goodbye and God bless!! https://linktr.ee/natawade