This post will look at one of the most emotionally draining tools used by children - arguing. Even though I will tote the latest conventional wisdom on dealing with arguers, I also understand that sometimes it is not that simple. For some families arguing is a sport in which they take great pride. Dealing with children and adults from these families can be exhausting. I will be looking at different types of arguers and some strategies to help deal with them.
It Takes Two to Tango
Of course, the standard advice on this subject is that it takes two to tango. If you refuse to argue with the child, there will not be an argument. However, I understand that sometimes you are mid-argument before you even realize what has happened. Some children can be extremely sneaky about their tactics and draw you into the argument ever so subtly. The different types of arguers use different tactics to try to pull you into an argument because children understand whether the adult does or not that if they get you into the argument, they have already nearly won the battle. I say nearly because it is still possible to shut it down midstream if you have to do it that way. As adults we have to stay on our toes or we will find ourselves backed into a corner by a three year old, which is so embarrassing. Never underestimate the lengths to which a child will go in order to get what he/she wants. With that in mind, here are the types of arguers.
The Whiner
The first type of arguer is the whiner. These children combine arguing and whining in order to hit you with a double whammy. However, these are also the easiest to shut down because both types of manipulation call for the same strategy. Whining should be something you as the adult tunes out anyway. One of the best lines I have ever heard on a parenting advice site was this, "I don't speak whine." When we automatically shut down a child's ploys when they use a whiney voice, the whiney arguer will also be shut down immediately. However, do not be naive and think the child is through. The game has just simply begun.
The Straight Forward Arguer
The next type of arguer is the full-on straight forward arguer. These children engage immediately when they receive the wrong answer. Their strategy is to hit hard and fast and stay after it until they get the answer they want. Again, if you catch these right off the bat, you can stop this one in his/her tracks fairly easily. Not long ago I saw an article that touted how to shut down arguing with three simple words. Those three words are "asked and answered." For preschoolers you will have to be a lot more direct. I always turn the tide on my preschoolers by asking them what I said. I usually have to ask that question several times very adamantly before they actually answer me, but when they tell me what I said, their little faces fall because they know they have gone down in defeat. When they have to say the answer they do not like, they have to concede that the question has already been answered.
The Pleaders
Next on our list involves the pleaders. These children pour on the charm when they receive the wrong answer. They give you the puppy dog eyes and angelic faces trying to persuade you to change your mind. This tactic is usually employed over something where the children know you are not as adamant in your opinion. Children are smart as the dickens. They know when and where wiggle room can be found. If you start to waver, you can be absolutely assured this particular tactic will be employed. Standing your ground with this one is not as easy as the other two. Many times when you do have to stand your ground once they have begged, you will feel awful about having to say no. Sometimes when you give in to the pleading, you feel awful because you let them manipulate you when you should have stood your ground. This particular tactic has to be short-circuited long before children employ it. Many times we adults can be very guilty of saying "no" before we even consider something. If a request has some merit, train yourself to use the "I"ll think about it" option. Now, in order for this to stop the pleading, you must make sure the children understand pestering will get an absolute "no." Once you have thought it through, give your answer and tell them it is final. If they start the pleading again shut it down it fast with "I said no and that's the end of it."
Those That Demand Explanations
The last type we will look at are the ones that demand an explanation. These children will probably be lawyers sometime in the future because they have a counter point for every possible point they foresee you putting forward. If you inadvertently find yourself sucked up in an argument not knowing how you got there, you are probably dealing with one of these children. They have laid the trap well. They wait until you are nearly incoherent with stress or exhaustion before they make their case. They know that if you ever fall into the trap of trying to explain your reasoning, they have you. Many of these children are experts at what I call "point-blanking" someone. They have all their counterpoints ready to go and will deliver them rapid fire until they confuse you. Then when they have punched holes in all your reasoning because you are too tired to think on your feet, you will either give them what they want or say in frustration "because I said so." If "because I said so" has to come out of your mouth, you know you will never hear the end of how lame that is and how unreasonable you are being. These children are by far the most difficult to handle. You must train yourself to never let yourself get sucked up into having to explain yourself. Many times, these can be shut down with the "I"ll think about it" option. If you have to say no, do not try to explain your reasoning until later. In the heat of the moment, let your no be no and let them scream.
I hope you have enjoyed this post. Goodbye and God bless!!
Check out Natalie's children's books at: https://www.amazon.com/author/nataliewade7457
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